In a world obsessed with image, men are fighting a war against baldness and losing. Despite significant evidence that there are large groups of women attracted to bald men, premature baldness remains men’s kryptonite and they will go to incredible extremes to hide their weakness.
As women struggle to get into the yummy mummy category by hiding the sick on their shoulders and throwing the baby weight over their shoulder like a saggy rucksack, men are toying with magic creams, paints and perms that’d have Yul Brynner turning in his grave.
1. Cover it up
The obvious immediate response to your hair retreating like it’s had an argument with your face is to hide it from view. The refusal to let anyone see the offending bare patches of scalp can lead to men wearing hats at every waking moment. People’s guesses about what’s under that perma-hat will probably be worse than the truth.
2. Paint it
If hats don’t suit you that bald patch could always be covered up with a little decoration. A glance at Youtube will find a wealth of advice on how to spray-paint your head. Running your fingers through the resulting masterpiece must feel like petting an animal that’s just rolled in something sticky. Victims are easily recognisable by their new aversion to water.
3. Hide it
Although the quality and style of wigs has improved since the Egyptians there are still hairpieces that look like they should be returned to the tombs. Unless complete baldness happened overnight, friends are bound to notice the significant increase in your follicle number.
4. Volumise it
The understandable reaction to thinning hair is to create the illusion of volume. This genius solution, encouraged by enabling stylists, is to fashion bouffant hairstyles whose puff highlights the problem rather than hiding it. Warning: this path leads to perms.
5. Plug it
Painful with the risk of permanent scarring, hair transplants are a risky business. With high-profile-celebrities unable to pull it off, most men with find themselves in a world of trouble, with people staring and wondering where exactly that hair came from.
6. Comb it over
Although ridiculed, the classic isn’t dead yet. Forlorn men can still be seen sporting the hairstyle, huddled safely indoors. Variations include comb-forwards and comb-backwards. The wind is their enemy and, as such, they are rarely seen on boat trips or fairground rides.
7. Conceal it
Wigs’ cheeky nephew, the toupee is the ringmark of men who don’t own a mirror. If Donald Trump, using all his wealth, can’t manage to find a convincing toupee it’s doubtful the average Joe has a hope in hell of not ending up wearing roadkill.
8. Grow it facially
Look into my beard. Classic distraction is obviously on the minds of some men when the hair on their face becomes more luxurious in relation to the thinning on top. The contrast can be like a bald beacon but the opposite is the no-hair baby look. It can be a difficult choice.
9. Compensate for it
Often the precursor to the comb-over, men try to counterbalance the loss by growing the remaining hair around it. Forever known as the Terry Nutkins, in honour of the great man, it’s a risky choice that few are able to pull off.
10. Evade it
If all else fails men can use their natural height advantage to conceal their balding pate. Standing while everyone else is sitting and suddenly obtaining a group of vertically challenged friends is an obvious sign there is something he doesn’t want to be seen up there.
Considering the abundance of men with disastrous balding solutions, the advice is don’t hide it, embrace it. However, if you’re really concerned there is prescription medication for hair loss that can help.
Harness the power of Bruce Willis, Samuel L Jackson and Sean Connery and avoid looking like an aging disaster area.